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Leo(T.C.K.)
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I've

Post by Leo(T.C.K.) »

I've had a serious nervous breakdown after my mom started questioning me about money spending and threatening with police and what not when I simply told her to be a little easy on me and she didn't want to listen or let me talk.

She knows her best that I don't spend anything on alcohol or drugs and yet I'm being treated like complete ***** and she triggered PTSD and then people were shouting at me from outside the window that they're civilized here, they think I come from somewhere else, that I should be glad I found home, that I'm alcoholic.

I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE I AM GOING TO END MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

People come down on me everywhere in the end. They keep lecturing and lecturing and thinking how good I must be off or something is my life choice when it's not. I've been robbed, cheated, tortured, been through all kinds of hell and they don't make it easy on me. I started to hear her anger and those loud footsteps that often gave me nightmares and I come crashing down.

I can't have this. I can't be blamed when someone from the outside triggers something then I hear finally what some people think of me thinking I am from ukraine and this and that. When I started explaining that I have tons of stress that they can't imagine, they go like "WE DONT CARE, IT DOESNT MATTER, WERE CIVILIZED HERE NOT IN SOME KIND OF WILDERNESS" bla bla bla

It never works, EVER! To live with them I have to become psycho in the end because they otherwise they just f****** kill me. That's what it is in the end. And people with cancer...the cancer is evil itself eating them up..I seem to come to that conclusion because that's what I feel. They might be nice people on the outside but...there's something more to it something sinister. I don't believe in anything anymore...just .......i cant do this i cant i.,,,,,,,
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Re: I've

Post by -§moKe- »

I'm not quite sure what so say. I know life can be hard, misunderstood, down right harsh sometimes. I do not believe your feelings should rule your reason. While I may not know you personally or your character, it disheartens me to hear of your distress and not really have a good answer for you. I do know this, I lost my best friend a long time ago. His leaving left a big whole in my heart and the world was not better off without him in it. There are things that happen we do not understand or comprehend in this world. Hopefully there is someone that knows you and cares that can help you see reason and start working your way towards being at peace in this world. Only God knows you, your heart, your struggles, your cares. I battled darkness and despair as a teen in the 80's. I survived through it all, not of my doing; I had to stop fighting God to find my way in this messed up, uncaring world. I now have a wife & two beautiful daughters.

This I will share with you;
My wife was sexually abused by a step father. Her mother didn't listen to her. She kept her courage and despite all odds. She birthed two premature girls into this world. She did this in High School, one of the hardest times of ones life to do what she did and keep going to school. She could have chosen other options, such as abortion, since others promoted it to her. She willingly sacrificed her High School years, the years of College striving to raise those two girls. It was not her fault, it was not the fault of the girls. I started in their life at the ages of 2 & 3, we dated for 5 years until she graduated from College. For the first two years of that dating, I struggled with God, I had never envisioned my life marrying someone who had already been with another man, much less having born two children into this world. I argued with God, not what I wanted, the searching for answers and the road I traveled as a young man not well grounded in his faith. I eventually came to understand that she & them, needed me in their life. It was not easy, I bowed my will to God, I have not exactly done my best, but I never gave up. We will be married for 16 years come this September 1st. If I had ended my life as a teenager when I felt rejected and alone, I would never have met her or had the chance to raise them. They are 23 & 24 now. They are starting their own struggles in life.

I would encourage you not to give up, keeping struggling to do your best and start seeking God and his will for your life. If I have spilled out some of my life story and it does not strengthen you or give you heart, it will not be because I kept silent and did not try to reach out and say God loves you.
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Re: I've

Post by Leo(T.C.K.) »

Thanks for coming out with your story.

There are some things I disagree with, first I wouldn't count what happened to her as "being with another man" because it was obviously not of her own will. I do not need to seek God, I am not raised in those beliefs or rejected them. Instead I embraced the ways of nature. The ways of nature that the so called civilized people don't understand and reject.

That person who shouted at me from the outside, she goes to a doctor in the area who happens to be a muslim. I find that most people who go there are the most uncaring or brainwashed people. She accepts that guy because he is in a respectable position and is "civilized". Do you understand the hypocricy? That guy rejected me, didn't want to treat my broken finger and was actively homophobic and his nurse jumped to excuses and further mistreatment. But it's all fine because it's civilized.

I'm much further with everything, you cannot help me.

EDIT:
I really reject it. All that fake "civilized" life. So I might soon try my luck living in the wilderness. Everything is fake and acording to "rules" that make no sense, rules for the sake of rules. Not being yourself.

The reason you wanted someone who "wasn't with another man" is simply because of this, because you've been raised by this very idea which is in context materialistic. I say how things are. Many people get angered.

I've way gone through it all. This is the only way.
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Re: I've

Post by Leo(T.C.K.) »

Your story reminds me of a time..when I ended up in a hospital and there was this girl that I met before at the school that I had to move to...
she was sexually abused by her peers and I only got to know then. I did have feelings for her(despite that later I entered male-only relationships) but we were separated. She was put into a psychiatric hospital and I was against it. Part of it was a coverup program to shut her up and make her insane. Such things happened and happen.

It completely broke my heart back then. But I was a different person than I'm now. They treated her like a rug.
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Re: I've

Post by Leo(T.C.K.) »

She's getting nastier and nastier. And over time I forget. You know why? I've been abused a lot...whenever I was down. Whenever I was weak enough.

When I became ill when I was 14 she'd want me to go to a doctor, but I couldn't. I was too weak to come? You know what her solution was? Pull down the blanket, drag me out, bash into me...when I slowly walked and froze still outside she started screaming and yelling and bashing into me as I fell to my knees. Is this mother love? And each time I said "but you do this" she'd go like "Yeah? Listen, you..if you'd" the memory is whithering away. I can't tell it I'm sorry. Basically lying straight to my face that she's doing nothing wrong and blackmailing by doing something I don't want her to do.

This is what she really is. She feels her control is losing that I can't be seen as the agressive guy by others by provoking me anymore so she blackmails again when I'm weak...


She always found justification, there was never a simple sorry or real sorry. And I paid for her mistakes and bad deeds...

She sabotaged ton of stuff for me because she feels she is superior. She has to be superior, it's all about her. I used to believe her stories and excuses but I don't anymore.

EDIT: She'd basically make me believe others are at fault, at cost of anything. Twisted it all in front of me. Due to my lost memories from childhood I cannot even say for certain she is my actual mother. Given that she's so psychopathic I don't know.
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Re: I've

Post by VooDoo-(DOG)- »

 
Hi Leo. Please do not curse in the NewbiesPlayground forum. You are a intellignet and well-spoken individual and have many other descriptive words to use instead.

Thanks.

Over the years, one lesson I learned from life (different for everybody I know) is that there is a difference between "listening" and "hearing".

All the best.

WOOF!
 
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Re: I've

Post by Leo(T.C.K.) »

VooDoo-(DOG)- wrote: Fri Jun 30, 2017 10:33 pm
Hi Leo. Please do not curse in the NewbiesPlayground forum. You are a intellignet and well-spoken individual and have many other descriptive words to use instead.

Thanks.

Over the years, one lesson I learned from life (different for everybody I know) is that there is a difference between "listening" and "hearing".

All the best.

WOOF!
I didn't even notice I did tbh. I tried not to in the heat of the moment. (and IMO it has less to do with actual intelligence than a self-control or grip on it and that's often difficult if you hear it everyday and as such it conveys the raw emotion)

I've been just having a very complex dream, that feels different than normal. This way it's like premonition or alternate universe. It's too complex for my mind to create on its own so I believe I was actually there somehow.

I was in a city, it could have been in Finland for all I know, I did speak english to the people there that's for sure. There was a subway-like thing somewhere or transit more like which was entirely circular. Do any cities have it like that? It started above ground iirc.

Does that mean "listen" is a command form and "hearing" is more of a free will?

Either way, some languages do not have difference between the two which makes it the more difficult to see in the context.

EDIT: What if all this means that when we dream sometimes, we briefly take control of ourselves from a parallel reality?

That could also explain why some people have "blackouts" or feel like they've been watching something from distance while it's not themselves. Because a conciousness of them from a parallel world took over?
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Re: I've

Post by Leo(T.C.K.) »

just...im so scared. She still has me in control after everything. She sends me less and less money that she herself made me dependant on. And then she blames me. Sends me on guilt trips over her "bad heart" which I don't know if is true because I don't remember trying to call ambulance because of her heart that then went better. No. I remember wanting to call an ambulance because she had a psychotic episode and started making stuff up that was happening around her. Then I decided to cancel the call because she seemed to be getting better. But she keeps telling and making up these stories. She's really insane.

That's what I remember and not only me. But she changes her story and keeps changing her story all the time, slipping in little lies which then make a mess out of whole picture. She claims she does stuff like that to protect herself. Well, I sure believe that now. I almost didn't pay the electricity and kept trying to tell her but she didn't listen. She kept acting and bsing. I do have to write about this somewhere because it's really excessive. And she uses me as "oh im so poor i have to constantly take care of him".

SHe hardly ever did, when I was very ill she went after business instead and hardly was home at all. And she of course kept me more and more of a prisoner but that's long ago. Now I'm living on my own with my bf for a while now but she keeps doing this, and keeps calling me each day etc to ensure she knows everything and all. So this really can't be the case of submarine illness as one psychologist branded it long ago.

SHe keeps making up excuses all her life and it shows that when she's in stress she kicks down other people and doesn't care at all. She tells me on the phone "I'd DIE AND ROT" if it wasn't for her etc etc.

It's only about her and her and I'm sorry but these cases have been too obvious, it's clear she does it on purpose to harm me and feel good.

When I tell her I have something important to tell her when she was entering subway I told her to not step in so I can tell her and she just arrogantly giggled and said no. So then I had to wait a long time and then I put my phone to my ear and it suddenly rang, making my hearing worse as I already had clogged up ears. When I told her about this she said "but you didn't tell me!" and then "I don't know what ear it was" - okay wtf really, why did she ask a question about what ear it was and how is it relevant? Why does her behavior now remind me of that dentist that assaulted me? What is going on? Is it even her? Or perhaps it wasn't her all my life and I have a different mother altogether like I thought.
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Re: I've

Post by Leo(T.C.K.) »

If she really cared she'd help me get my pay back but she hardly moved a finger for it either way. First when I was in the netherlands they kept pressuring me, my whole "family" to complete extremes even though it was so much more difficult.

Then I come back and I see that it's difficult getting appointments here and unlike what I'd expect, they didn't take their time to help me get to a certain doctor or there or there, never took me with a car once except one rare ocassion before my grandfather died.

It's starting to look more and more like they are just actors. And that all that timing of events is just too perfect and is meant to "derail" me further. To keep me busy so I can't fight back.

Like the whole thing about grandfather's death being suspicious especially after I proclaimed once (not to him but my mom heard it) that he should die - as a reaction to what he did/said about me. Again this wasn't said by me to him at all, but my mom was present.

And then what do I know, just couple of weeks later I hear he's dead. Like now she wants to feel me guilty because I called for it or something.

EDIT: I suppose this has become in practice my "let out what bothers me" session. Sheesh
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